I have avoided this blog entirely–haven’t come here for weeks on end. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about the Big Decision that had been hanging over us for a while and finally had to be made. We have made, I have made, with the concurrence of our family and doctor, the decision to register Ricardo with the province for long-term care. As in, nursing home, care facility, whatever you want to call it.
I have wept and prayed, prayed and wept, and my heart has been so sore. I still can’t really talk about it. I’m alternately numb and then so wounded. Yes, I can face it, but the thought of such a change is horrible. And that’s just me. How can I really know how much Ricardo is suffering as he has to prepare himself mentally and emotionally to leave his home?
We have been getting home help from the province, and today we met with the woman who will be the Care Manager for Ricardo, finding out what to expect, what they will do to support him at home, and what the costs, current and future, will be. The good is that as long as we are managing here, they will give us the home support. For a few weeks now, Ricardo has been on an even keel and we are managing pretty well. However, I know that we’re close to the edge of the precipice (forgive my mixed metaphors) and that a small change in Ricardo’s health or ability could send us tumbling over the edge. And that would be the point at which he would need to be placed in care.
We have decided that our focus for now is going to be on appreciating these days at home. We talk with one another about our feelings without difficulty, and we’ll do that whenever we need to (good communication has always been a strength of ours), but we’ll prepare slowly and quietly for the transition, finding ways to savor the time we have. That sounds really sappy and pie-in-the-sky to me! I don’t have the energy or time, though, to try to rephrase it. We’ll moan and cry, no doubt, and get very blackly ironic a lot of the time, and that will be part of “savoring the time we have”. We’ll carry it out in our own style.
That’s about all I can bear to say, but I have at least set down that much in print. Maybe, just maybe, that will make it easier for me to come back here again soon.
Thanks for reading. It certainly is no sweet end-of-summer story.