For the past few months, the way we live has been changing from day to day. I can date it fairly closely–Ricardo was going through days of feeling weak in the beginning of April, and then when he had a fall at the bottom of an escalator, his condition took a plunge into the scary. I think I’ve been living with scary pretty much ever since.
A couple of weeks ago, our family doctor said he believed it is time to begin the process of planning for long-term care for Ricardo. I have known that time was coming, but hearing the doctor say that was a knife to the heart. I can still cope with Ricardo’s care, sometimes just barely, but we want to keep him at home as long as possible. I will arrange to meet with the necessary people from our health care area, people who will assess Ricardo’s condition, assess our home situation, and assess our financial situation. I will learn the questions that I should ask. I don’t know how I will get through, but I guess a box of tissues will help. Make that several boxes.
As you can imagine, this has been devastating. I have faced up to it pretty well, I think, and have not run away from my feelings, but I have been unwilling to write about them here. I think no one wants to read about the struggles of two old people against an incurable disease. We find things to laugh about, but they don’t translate into anecdotes for a blog.
We have good days, Ricardo and I; we do a lot of remembering of past experiences, we pray together, and we talk about our fears. Most of the time, the mood around the house is upbeat. But when Ricardo has a time of severe weakness, I find I am right at the limit of my strength in helping him with the necessities, and I become scared. Only prayer helps me hang on.
So, if this blog continues to be updated irregularly, the few of you who stop by will understand. There’s a lot of pain going on, and although I can think about it and talk about it with family, writing it down seems extremely difficult for me. And if I just write blithely about flowers and cooking, I feel as though I’m giving a false impression, and I have wanted to be truthful in my writing for this blog. I imagine I’ll work it out somehow, find some sort of balance, but in the meantime, I ask you to be patient with me. We all do what we can. Pray for us, please.